Active Forgiveness & Longterm Healing: the very hard truth.

Active Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a very sore a tricky subject; and one that has taken me quite some time to adjust to. If I am being honest; the hardest part OF forgiveness, was the simple fact that in most cases, I did not want to, and then I did not know how to. I originally discovered this in college, and intended to seek therapy for it, but did not have the space, freedom, or time because…………………work, school, extracurricular, volunteering, partying, and BILLS! This will be a deep, but very real dive into my experience with forgiveness, which is why it is titled “ACTIVE”. I want to preface this by saying this type of forgiveness is DEEP forgiveness. The kind of forgiveness, where you forgive after being hurt, and sometimes with or without answers. Let us get into it!

I want to quickly get into my background and upbringing, in a very lowkey way. My goal with sharing my personal stories and life online is to keep intimate and personal details of my loved ones private to respect their space and privacy! They do not have to be indulged for a point to be made. Anyways, I am an only child, and I grew up DEEPLY religious. We went to a COGIC church, I was a Kawanas, went to two services a day on Sunday, Christian school; it was a LIFESTYLE. I had a really good life for the most part, and I am grateful for the experiences my Mom and Grandma created for me. One of the biggest things about being a Christian, is “What would Jesus do?”; and with COGIC specifically, there is this weird turning of the left cheek sometimes and OVER forgiving. Forgiveness and apologizing, and lowkey a lack of a boundary, especially as a woman, was ENGRAVED into the brain in school, and church.

For a long majority of my life, up until a few years ago; forgiveness was still a reaction; as well as apologizing. Now, when I mess up, I have good self-awareness and accountability, and I will call myself out. I do not really find this happening a whole lot, because I think about what I say and do. As I have mentioned on my podcast, EVERY word, action, and event will leave some type of impression on one’s heart and/or brain. So, I am VERY thoughtful of this with anything I say/do. This is something I learned from my grandma as a little one, but it has been strengthened over the last few years, as well as therapy. But regarding forgiveness, I think this constant impression of “forgive and forget” made me do EXACTLY that, and I had no boundaries…. but that is absolutely a topic for another day; today is about forgiveness. The one reflection that I have made throughout my journey about forgiving, and healing wounds, is you must understand the root issue or trigger, to move on from it, responsibly. This is a big piece of the picture I was never taught growing up, and really did not learn until about 5 years ago and will continue to learn. This is the most crucial step because when you learn to do this, you’re able to express your genuine feelings; have discernment on the steps needed to recover, and at times move on.

Long term Healing

Long-term healing is exactly what it sounds like; but specifically, this is working with those long-term wounds. A lot of people don’t know that I have immensely struggled with abandonment and rejection issues; as well as some co-dependency issues, and at times love addictive tendencies. Though these are things of my past, they are strong workings of the woman that you see today!

These things stemmed from a lot of what I would describe as abandonment and rejection issues as a kid. In the simplest form of it, I was kind of always “different” in schools and surroundings growing up. I still cannot figure out why it felt that way in grade school, but in college and young adult; I know that I was not accepted by the masses because my views and opinions were always far from the norm or popular opinion. I ALWAYS have something to say, about something; but that is what makes me, ME. Some hate it, and some think it is cool. In the most complex sense, due to things beyond my control (I know this now as an adult and learning through therapy); my dad was not in my life (in a physical and presence sense), and because of this, my mom was around less to provide for us (aka me and her).

This did create some intense abandonment issues and rejection from my dad. I did have an AMAZING role model growing up who never really made me feel any lapse or gaps, which was my Uncle Roy! He was everything to me and loved me so deeply; he used to pick me up from school every day, and we would have lunch with my Grammy! My heart beats so deeply for the elderly because the elderly were my roll dogs as a kid! Lol. Even with this strong figure, a girl cannot help but wonder, “what did I ever do, to deserve being abandoned?” I vaguely remember one conversation with my dad in my lifetime, and we mentioned small details of a birthday. There was never really any follow-through in any sense with our convo and so I just kind of separated myself from him that day, and never looked back.

I remember going to a church service, and it was about forgiveness. The pastor mentioned everyone deserved forgiveness, and we should forgive, as Christ forgives the church. Of course, there was an altar call, and I went up and asked for prayer, and it was very intentional and emotional at that moment, but even after doing what I knew was “right;” I still felt hate in my heart for this man.

Finally, when I got to college, I remember getting so enraged when people would comment on some of my strong features, like my eyes or my nose. Because I knew that these genetics pulled from my dad’s genetics, it was like a constant reminder every time someone mentioned it; and a harsh reality if they asked. This was the first time, I decided to do some self-reflection. I decided that I was going to let go of all this trauma and unanswered questions; and release it into the universe, “Giving it up to God” if you will. This is the day I also decided to have a funeral, for this being that it no longer served me, and the hold this had over me, would be dead to me after this day. Truthfully, it helped; and I no longer felt this cloud over me; but I don’t feel like it solved the root issue or problem; that is where therapy comes in handy! Four years ago, when I started therapy, this is where we began. The nonexistent relationship with my father, and the at times resistance or distress I felt with my mom.

4 years later; I have such a beautiful take on the power of forgiveness! I understand now as a grown adult in the act of shadow work and grounding; that my mom did the best that she could, with the resources she was given! Empathetic, Fluid, Direct, and Transparent communication is not readily available and constant with her generation or the ones before her. Also, being a single mom, despite what resources are provided; is an uphill battle, and a mental battle for sure! It is the world against you, and a baby cub fully dependent on you for resources, tools, food, and so much more! This has helped me to gain a better relationship with her, and I would say when we are physically together, we have some of the best times and convo now, just like the old days! Sure, there are still some rough patches, but I now feel comfortable voicing those boundaries; though we don’t always see eye to eye; I no longer feel fear or guilt expressing them.

For my dad, I will never really understand or grasp why he would want to miss out or isolate me from having the experience of a dad, as a little girl or young adult; but I have been able to forgive him. Again, there are situations beyond my control, which I have come to terms with through therapy. I have also learned my value and how I view myself; and truthfully, as much as it hurts that he was not around, he missed out on seeing me grow into this dope as fuck person I am today. But! I will tell you that there is a happy ending!

In September of 2021, I was put into contact with my father, by way of my mom! To my surprise, when I heard he had reached out; the initial thought was excitement! Immediately, self-awareness kicked in, and I had to have an honest convo about how to approach this. Going back to the conversation earlier about boundaries, it is important to set these clearly, when you are “forgiving” someone; to ensure that you have the control you need to heal. Our first conversation was very straightforward. I shared with him, that I had a funeral for his “being and I had been in therapy processing therapy and rejection issues. I told him that the dad role wasn’t on the table; because again, that “wound” was buried with the funeral, and in addition to that I recognize my Uncle Roy as that figure, so calling him/entertaining the “Dad” thing feels almost disrespectful to everything he has done for me; NOBODY will ever be “Dad” but him. Which is something my paternal father will have to work through in his own way. I did share with him, I am open to a fresh start, and with transparency and consistency, I am open to seeing where this goes. I know a LOT of you are like, “why the hell would you tell him that?” People need to know what their actions and experiences do to others; so, they can learn to be held accountable. Parents, friends, peers, coworkers, romantic partners; NEED TO KNOW HOW THEY MAKE YOU FEEL WITH WHAT THEY SAY OR DO. This is the epitome of effective communication. Now, it is important to establish this type of presence with parents specifically because they have a toxic trait of seeing you as the baby, and it can get in the way of how they look, speak, act towards you. But truth is, you deserve respect from them, and vice versa.

To close out, to say the first call with my father went well would be an understatement! I think because I had already processed and worked through every emotion possible, I was just honestly excited to get to know the man that is half of my genetic coding and makeup. He mentioned he was born in Venezuela, which I find fascinating, and we have a similar sense of sarcastic ass humor. A lot of the weird-ass shit he said I found to be hilarious, and I understood the satirical nature of it! I think because I met him with the energy I expect to receive, he is VERY respectful of boundaries; and shows his presence in a respectful but endearing way. I am cautiously hopeful for what the future holds, but it has been nice to get to know the Wizard Kelly figure of my life! (The girls that get it, GET IT). We will see where we go from here! That is the last point I want to make, you have the control, and the right to move at your own pace when healing. Do what you are comfortable doing when finding a new medium or beginning after forgiveness. NOBODY has the right to tell you the time, trajectory, terms, or boundaries, but YOU.

Below are the key takeaways in bullet form for those who need them for a glance; I hope you enjoyed this long read. These transparent posts are meant to be a pillar in reflection; but also support or push in the right direction for someone, somewhere. For those who made it this far, let’s chat in the forum! What is the hardest part of forgiveness for you?

Key Takeaways:

- Stop over apologizing for things, especially those that do not even require an apology- To forgive, and heal from your wounds, you must understand the root issue or trigger, to move on from it.

- When you choose to forgive someone, it is important to set clear boundaries to ensure that you have the control you need to heal.

- People need to know what their actions and experiences do to others; so, they can learn to be held accountable. Parents, friends, peers, coworkers, romantic partners; NEED TO KNOW HOW THEY MAKE YOU FEEL WITH WHAT THEY SAY OR DO. This is the epitome of effective communication

o It’s important to use descriptive language:

§ ____________________ made me feel abandoned.

§ What I heard was _______________ when you did ____________ to me.

§ I felt ____________ when you chose to scream ________ at me.

- you have the control, and the right to move at your own pace when healing. Do what you are comfortable doing when finding a new medium or beginning after forgiveness. NOBODY has the right to tell you the time, trajectory, terms, or boundaries, but YOU.