My Current Relationship w/ My Body (10 Year Journey & Reflections)

In the Beginning

In high school, I had a fairly small body frame, ate whatever, and burned it off rather quickly, my metabolism was likely the best it will ever be (LOL) and I was right at 163lbs. I've generally always been teased for either having “boy-like” features or simply just not being the desirable majority for my demographic (I went to a Caucasian dominant school). In May 2010, I was introduced to the Depo

Provera vaccine bi-annually, as I absolutely did not want to risk ANYTHING during college aka the “best” years.

The First Time I Saw A Stranger in the Mirror

After being on Depo for a few years, I felt a little bit “off”. I was having some GI issues, extremely bad migraines, hormonal roller coasters; and decided to rid my body of birth control; I also had some major life occurrences happen (graduated college, considering childbirth, etc.), and decided to consult with a family physician, to get off birth control; and THIS DECISION was the one that drastically changed my life for good. It was like instantly after stopping BC, my body felt and processed EVERYTHING differently, aka severely slower.

After graduation, I hit my biggest weight, ever in my life which was over 240lbs, and while I won't solely contribute this to birth control, it was the BIGGEST I have ever seen myself. For a while I loved it because it was the first time I had “assets” (38B in HS to a 40DD bra size) and a little bit of hips; but I will never forget looking in the mirror, and for the first time asking myself, “is my mind playing tricks on me???” when I would see photos of myself versus see myself getting ready every day. Fall of 2014, It was the last college homecoming, I was in love, my frat was in the finals for a step competition we finessed together, and I was partying my ass off; what more could a young twenty-something need?! I lived out the weekend, and that Monday I will never forget seeing myself tagged in this God-forsaken photo. When I saw it, I remember thinking “OMG is that me?” and hating the way I looked.

Cadet Kelly

Almost immediately after seeing this photo, I started putting myself through my

own version of bootcamp, because this photo comes after I was passively serious about “health”. I was working out once a week, and I was making sure I ate some of the rare healthy options available in the Cafeteria on campus; which was the same thing I had always done over the years. Coming from a health/wellness education background (exercise science), I knew EXACTLY what needed to be done; and I did exactly that, but honestly, I did WAY too much of it. I was INTENSELY counting calories, working out twice a day four to five times a week, and extremely manic about every food or beverage I had consumed. It was miserable, and I had such a poor quality of life trying to look "good". I got over my depression, and lost the weight; I ended up losing about 35 pounds within 4 to 5 months, and felt like “SHE IS BACK”. I loosened up the strict boundaries that I had with myself (No Carbs, Sugar, and an extreme caloric deficit) and for the first time, I really started living life. I was 22, making amazing money (getting paid every

Friday at that) going out in the city with my best friend, always going on different dates (mainly around food), drinking from dinner until the early morning after-hour parties (we have watched the sun RISE as we were on our way home from the night).

Suddenly, I looked up again a year and a half later, and I hadn't quite gained ALL my weight back, but I had gained about 15 pounds back. I also felt very lost and misguided, as I thought “I am single, sexy, and thriving, why am I not fulfilled”. I had decided that maybe it was the scenery that wasn't making me “feel”, so I relocated to San Antonio in 2016, to start my life over and reclaim my life back in all facets.

Final Closure

Once I relocated to San Antonio, I started to gain back some of the balance I felt I had lost. I was meal prepping, in the gym 3-4 times a week; I was pretty toned. Though I looked great, I was very discouraged by the number the scale continued to read; and would often compare it to my weight at the last physical I had, my freshman year of college (I know, I know). At this time, I was right around, 210-215.

It was extremely hard to count calories and fast when everyone wants to grab a happy hour special or have family dinners with lots of wine and tequila; but in San

Antonio, I had a fair balance. I prepped during the weekdays, and didn't have a threshold on weekends; sometimes I would binge and sometimes it would be one “bad” meal; but overall I didn't feel like I was slipping, as I had in the past.

My boyfriend proposed, and we moved to the west coast, and I OVER indulged in all the new and infused cuisines that were readily available in what felt like our back door. The Las Vegas strip, Los Angeles, and anything in between was 4 hours or less?! Say no more. I was in love, in a new city, with new amenities that I had never seen; simply put I lost ALL CONTROL, again. I was conscious initially but wasn’t consistent with my mental strength because I got comfortable.

In 2018, I again had a moment of looking at myself and thinking, “WHO IS THAT? AND WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?!” I was disgusted, upset, lost, miserable, sad, confused, and in some ways dead; but internally, when I looked in the mirror; it was visually displayed to me that something was wrong. October 2018, I stepped out on my lunch break and reached out to my therapist, a black woman of course. This was my first time going to therapy, but I realized it's bigger than macros. I am using food to fill a void. 3 years later, I am still doing healing work to find closure to these inner child pieces of me, and the damaged adult pieces that I am picking up. It has been a hard journey but I wouldn’t gain control of my life otherwise.

From October 2019-Jan 2021, I took the HARDEST losses of my life, again, I lost control, but this was the last time. I decided that since I was already at rock bottom, I was changing the foundation and building blocks to ensure it NEVER happened again.

Present Day

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urrently, I teeter between 190 and 200 on the scale; and to be honest, I am totally okay with that! I no longer desire to have a 160 scale reading, my body tells a story, and seeing it now, I love the woman and presence I hold. I have stepped away from quantitative goals as it relates to my health and lifestyle journeys, as I am not defined by a number. I am healthy, I am strong, I am sexy, and truly I am the epitome of a warrior. I now do things because they make me happy, or they “FEEL” right. I want my body to feel like it's being celebrated and adored, not some chore that has to be “kept”. I don't count calories, but I am mindful of proportions. I am active, but that does not always mean IN THE GYM. Sometimes it's a walk or a hike, sometimes it's an intense gym workout.

As I close out the sharing of my journey, I want to leave you with a few things I would tell my younger self:

CARBS ARE HEALTHY FOR YOU; everything can be consumed in moderation

• The body is such a powerful vessel that should be treated with the utmost respect. With any valued possession, we carefully calculate and measure the types of support, aftercare, and love that will be rendered to keep these possessions in tip-top shape; your body is no different.

• Women, you were put on this earth to create YOUR story and narrative. Do not waste time, trying to align yourself with the industry/man's standards of beauty. Time is a valuable resource we will never get back, use it to uplift and magnify your beauty, people are ALREADY tearing us down for existing

• Anything sustainable takes time. Keto, Atkins, Paleo, Whole30, etc all work, there are no questions the

re; but is it a sustainable thing to commit to? If you realistically cannot see yourself carrying this habit for 5 years, evaluate if it's the right idea to integrate it into your life

• BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Journeys and Change can be very intimidating, lonely, hard, and unconventional at times depending on your setup. If you don't hit your goal the first time, give yourself grace; and continue to strive for COMPLETION not PERFECTION

• Lastly, have fun! The things that add value to your life, should never be laborious. If it becomes labor-intensive, analyze if it's right for you, or make small changes to make it fun!

I often feel like we see people where they are today, and never understand their struggle or back story! My goal for the women and men in this space is to have a relatable person who feels seen and felt. The #1 question I get on IG is often, “how do you stay consistent”. THIS is my story and my WHY; THIS is how I stay consistent in my lifestyle journey.

We all start somewhere, and regardless of our journey, the most important thing is to always show up for YOURSELF. You are fully capable of acquiring the life you deserve and desire,

but it requires consistency and discipline, and truthfully, that is the hardest part! Think of that goal, dream, job, car, or lifestyle you desire, create your action plan, and go after it! You got this.

Body Positivity Affirmation: I am grateful for my body's ability to provide for my necessities. I love my body and trust it to support me with my basic functions and needs. My body is beautiful, strong, and creatively made. There is no competition or comparison because I am 1 of 1, and I am destined to be whoever I want, and do whatever I want.

Until the next tap in! Love Always.

Xo - Mahogany